Updated: Aug 13, 2019
Soooooo...If you're not following my personal IG (candiceofmn8beauty), this is your first time seeing this image, and reading this part of my journey. My last day of working for the company I'd been with for years was July 7th. It literally felt like a HORRIBLE breakup...even worse than my divorce!!! I can't even begin to describe how swiftly that last day came, and as I sit here 3 weeks later, all I can say is that I'm glad that I'm still learning to trust myself so deeply. I left my job with nothing else lined up, less than $2,000 in savings, and the audacity to believe that I didn't have to settle for less than I was worth.
Let's rewind... Sometime in May or June, there were some major shifts in my work environment. I started recognizing some unhealthy dynamics, and I wasn't really sure how things were going to unfold. In my personal life, I was practicing self-awareness and accountability...but it felt like by staying in this position, I was being hypocritical, at best. At the end of June, I decided to get back in therapy, and one of the major breakthroughs I had was that through my own experience with verbal/emotional abuse, I'd become accustomed to a certain level of chaos. One of the hardest conversations I had to have with myself was how I was used to being talked to crazy (inner child traum and working in retail for 15 years, you can only imagine how crazy I mean), and that if I loved myself the way that I claim to, I needed to set necessary boundaries. These boundaries included negotiating more money for my time and talent, requesting a private office so as not to be around unnecessary chaos, and a few other things.
Well, at the end of June, shit hit the fucking fan and it became painfully clear that I had to go. So with little in savings, and no other job lined up, I resigned...and I've been laughing at myself and this process ever since. Since being home, I've learned how deeply connected I've been to being needed and getting paid. My position and salary had become major aspects of validation for me...So much so that I was willing to subject myself to daily disrespect and toxic behavior for the "security" of a consistent paycheck. What a fucking illusion. This was an even bigger issue, because I felt imprisoned by the frustration of not being paid my worth but being too afraid to not find or create better opportunities for myself.
It's been three weeks of not clocking in, and I'm still asking myself what the fuck lol. Meeting my shadow self, who's terrified of being broke, has not been fun (although quite amusing). Literally, she screams "poveeeeeeeeeeertyyyyyy" in the back of my mind for hours on end...Nevertheless, meeting this aspect of myself is helping me recognize how often I've chosen profit over purpose and passion...and that's what I'm consciously working on reprogramming for myself, and my lineage.
I'm looking forward to seeing how this experience helps me further align with my gifts... In the last week, I've gotten to do a radio interview, video shoot, amongst planting some other exciting seeds... I hope that after reading this, you can take some time to identify one thing (not necessarily as drastic as your job lol) that doesn't align with self-love, and let it go... Choose to release one thing, as often as you can so that you can make room for more of what's meant for you!
In love, light, and red lipstick,