Fear

I feel very afraid...

Life is a series of deaths and rebirths. The ebb and flow, the highs and lows..I try to just go with it, but the way this control freak in me is set up...it's tough.

I moved to Houston in 2012, after surviving rape. 9 years later, this cycle will end, and a new adventure will begin.

9 years of learning how to care for myself.

9 years of seeking community.

9 years of solitude.

9 years of unlearning.

9 years of making different choices.

9 years of loving.

9 years of grieving.

9 years of releasing.

9 years of pursuing my path.

9 represents completion, destruction, and rebirth. Its form mirrors the spiral, a reminder that growth is not linear.

In a week, I begin my final semester in this master's program.

In roughly a month or two, I receive acceptance letters from the doctoral programs that I applied to.

In two months, I submit my thesis, and prepare to defend it.

In four months, I graduate, begin packing up my apartment, and prepare to move away from this city of refuge.

In six months, I relocate to a new city, with new people, preparing for my first semester as a doctoral student.

I will leave everything that I currently know, and cease to exist as this version of myself.

Yesterday, I told a beau that I was overwhelmed and could not see myself clearly in any of the cities where these programs are located. Although during the application process, I visualized and saw infinite possibilities, I currently see a dark void.

Today, while tending to my plants, I was reminded that when seeds are planted, it is a burial of sorts. I am the seedling enveloped in damp fertile soil, and this burial is an inescapable part of the rebirthing process. Tending to this version of myself looks like acknowledging the fear, nourishing my soul, mind, and body, and letting myself breakdown and transform.