I lose track of time sometimes... More times than I care to admit if I'm being honest. A few hours ago, I was upset about it...grilling myself about what in the actual fuck happened to my time, or those hours that I set aside to do *insert some project here*...
RIGHT NOW, I find myself feeling like I'm battling a Benadryl hangover and am trying to regain
my senses... and that's okay...
RIGHT NOW, I am practicing mindfulness surrounding my perception and descriptive language as it relates to my productivity and self-worth...
RIGHT NOW, I am actively identifying my needs and removing harsh judgments for the sake of my well-being.
Let me rewind for a second and give some context...if you didn't know, I'm one of 46 million people in the entire world who lives with bipolar disorder... I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder 11 years ago...and it's an aspect of myself that I sometimes embrace, and other times ignore...but it's something that I strive to live beyond... Structuring my life in a way that proactively tends to my body's chemistry, my brain's wiring, and the unpredictability of human interaction has been a process of trial and error, disappointments, some major frustrations, and exciting new discoveries...
Which brings me back to RIGHT NOW
It's been 4 hours of balancing work, distractions, figuring out what making room for my gifts looks like, deciding what I want to explore in therapy, amongst other things...For the past few days, I've felt hesitant, borderline unwilling or unable to really make shit happen. I feel distracted...like, the only thing holding my interest is my desire to have amazing sex...I don't quite know where the hours have gone, and as of late, these intrusive thoughts have been making disruptive ass appearances... thoughts about me not making any sense or being all over the place. thoughts that tell me I'm doing too much without doing a damn thing, and that I'm making a fool of myself in my daily interactions...that I'm incapable of making my goals happen...thoughts that I can't have sex feeling like this... Even when I practice observing and replacing these intrusive ass thoughts with affirmations, they are often partnered with feelings of inadequacy, discomfort, and defeat that chaotically crash upon the shores of my mind like waves at high tide...obliterating any little sand castle of creativity that my mind had begun to form.
But RIGHT NOW
I'm FIFTEEN MINUTES away from the end of my work day, and I've accomplished so much more than these intrusive thoughts are allowing me to connect with. Although I feel like time is eluding me, I've made it through this five hour shift, and a really good tutoring session...
And RIGHT NOW
I'm proud of myself for being able to recognize that although I lose track of time sometimes, and
feel challenged to convey my ideas, I am lovingly honoring myself by being patient, honest, and thoughtful in this moment.
RIGHT NOW
I'm reminded of the many tools and resources that exist for working through what I'm feeling... and here comes another intrusive thought about being trifling for not using them sooner... Of all the helpful tips for surviving intrusive thoughts, RIGHT NOW, I just need to acknowledge them rather than fight or judge them. Now that I've acknowledged them, I'm going to choose a constructive activity that allows me to express myself with compassion...
RIGHT NOW that looks like some light journaling and... just some light journaling and perhaps some masturbation/meditation... I was about to lie and give some self-help head ass tip, but I'm not in the mood to lie to myself lol...I was gonna say that I'll do what I did growing up...make a daily schedule that accounts for all 24 of my hours each day...my dad used to have me use this one worksheet, and it was actually super helpful in terms of understanding where my time was going, and where I could better utilize it...
but like I said...RIGHT NOW, I'm not about to lie to myself or y'all...
I'm gonna take my ass home, eat something fulfilling *my body is begging for something warm and rich*...take a nice steamy shower with my incense lit and a loving playlist going...and I'm gonna allow myself to explore and enjoy myself...and to release the stagnant energy that's contributing to my feeling ungrounded...but more importantly, I'm going to allow myself to feel desired, nurtured, and supported through my personal exploration...
I hope y'all are taking care of yourselves, and giving yourself grace and space to grow through what you're going through....
Love,
Candice