It's been almost two months since I've posted anything for MN8Beauty. In these 8 weeks, life has taken me to and through so many things, I'm truthfully still in shock.
Soooooo in the spirit of transparency, here are some of the challenges I've been faced with...
The B word... fucking boundaries...Back in February, I went back to Atlanta...my birthplace...my ancestral home...and the source of a lot of painful memories... Atlanta is where I was raped...3 different times...It is where I was hospitalized in the psych ward...more times than I care to count. It is where I fought like hell to complete my bachelor's degree at the illustrious Spelman College... only to have to leave several times for my own sanity and wellbeing.
Being in Atlanta triggers my victim mentality...I feel inadequate, incapable, and ashamed of my experiences when I'm there...and the trip in February really allowed me to see how these last 10 years have been initiation for something so much larger than me.
While in Atlanta, I had to be very clear about my needs and what I would allow. There were old friends and relatives with expectations of my time and energy, and my anxiety was on a hunnid thousand just thinking about disappointing folks by standing firm on my boundaries...
A major theme that came up was surrounding my degree. I left and went back to school twice...spent a total of 7 years in school, only to be told that I still owed 2 courses. I decided in 2014 that I would no longer assign my self worth to my accomplishments, and I said fuck that shit... That boundary allowed me to discover so many talents and opportunities that I might not have recognized if I had that degree.
Now, just because I came to that conclusion, didn't mean that my family understood or supported that belief. No sooner than I touched down, was my dad asking me if I was going over to Spelman to resolve my problem. I explained that not having my degree wasn't an issue, but if that degree meant so much to him; he needed to go up to the school and resolve the issue. I explained that I'd done all the fighting that I was going to do, and that my energy was more wisely invested in other things...
Setting THAT boundary...saying how I would or would not lend my energy...clarifying what my priorities were for my own reasons rather than for his acceptance....Biiiiiiiiiihhhhhhh...three days into my trip, my father went to resolve the issue, and in May, I will be participating in the commencement activities, with my degree conferred. After all these years...
Soooooooo that was just one lesson...In the next post, I'll talk about the heartbreaking secret I learned at my family's gravesite...
But the point of reflection in this post is:
How do you manage your energy through boundaries? Leave your thoughts in the comments! The first 3 members to leave their thoughts will receive a free gift!
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